I’ll just start by saying the obvious. I haven’t been able to post consistently. I’ve been having a lot of mental health issues (and some physical stuff) but it really comes down to my own perspective on things.
I have a friend who has a lot of problems and will just flake on our plans in the oddest ways. Two things: she does hard drugs sometimes, and she lives a rather unconventional lifestyle. She suffers from depression, anxiety, and possibly other stuff. The pandemic hit her pretty hard, as it did many of us.
In the past, I’ve tried to be gentle when she fucks up because I worried unleashing my wrath would trigger her. So when she disappears for weeks or doesn’t answer the door when we have plans (and we’re texting just 2 hours prior), I would internalize how it made me feel and say something like, “It’s OK, I don’t hate you, I was just worried.” However, she SHOULD know by now that it hurts me to worry that something bad has happened to her when I don’t hear from her. She SHOULD know that all I want is a tiny kernel of communication.
My other friends who know about this have consistently said I’m more generous than she has any right for me to me. And I have made excuses for my behavior for a very long time.
I am finally starting to break through it. I finally see that I need to be honest about how much it hurts me that she does that. So, if (when?) she finally gets back to me, I have resolved to tell her in the kindest way possible that her actions hurt me and its not really OK for her to keep doing that.
Sowing Crafty Seeds 