I started experiencing sleep paralysis after age 10, after I (and my mom) had moved in with her new boyfriend in a new city, with a new school and a completely different demographic than I’d ever experienced.
Of course at that time, nobody knew what I was experiencing, so it wasn’t until years later while reading a non-fiction book on vampires (yes, you read that right) that I learned about the disorder and its historical association with the mythical succubus. I appreciated finally knowing what it was that I experienced, knowing it had a name, that other people had experienced it too, and that it wasn’t ghosts or goblins causing it.
It’s been over a decade since I’ve had an episode. Tonight, I was watching something where they mentioned sleep paralysis likely being caused by trauma, and it hit me so hard. It all makes sense. I didn’t experience it until moving when I was 10, which was literally the hardest year of my childhood. And I only experienced it a few times after: once or twice in college and then years later when I was living in another house involving a different complicated family situation (that I don’t feel like unpacking here just yet).
Dreams
Sleep paralysis dreams were intense until I figured out how to deal with them. At first, I panicked because I really believed I was awake and paralyzed. When I figured out it wasn’t real, I developed strategies to at least give the illusion of control. I’d use all my strength to slowly move my hand to my mouth and bite my finger. Upon biting my finger, I would wake up. I think it did actually happen once, where I woke up with my hand by my mouth and wet, as if I’d bitten it. But even when I didn’t find my hand by my mouth when I woke up, I usually had tried to bit my finger in my dream state.
My dreams tend to be very adventurous, complex, like the stories I read in fantasy books. Sometimes I am me and recognize everything around me, but mostly I feel like a character in a different story than my own life. I usually remember all or most of my dreams.
Occasionally, I’ve had death dreams. The ones of recent years have taken on a tone of immediacy that has really upset me. In one I was shot in the head at close range by someone after she had pursued me and my roommate in a car through a neighborhood. Another time, I felt something in my stomach burst and then faded to black.
In the last 4 years, I’ve had some lucid dreaming experiences. I’ve either woken up and then realized I was still asleep, or realized I was dreaming and needed to wake up. One time, I was on a beach and decided I needed to kiss someone to wake up.
I’ve even had one or two dreams that felt very spiritual, that actually made me believe that there might be something beyond our physical life.
I had a dream where I felt a presence guiding me to a moment in time, and it was like I was looking at a photograph I recognized, but seeing it in real time. I saw my grandparents at some gathering. They were happy and carefree. The moment was more focused on my grandfather, who I was pretty close to. But it was kind of like a memory mixed with an experience. I have a photograph of the moment I saw, but in the dream I was looking at the moment.
There were some other more vague moments experienced on this journey, but overall, there was a warm comfortable feeling about it all.
I never saw an image of my great grandmother–Granny–but I had the feeling that she was the guiding light, showing me images of my grandma and grandpa. I had this vision of warm yellow light and a feeling of comfort and peace going toward the light.
That morning I got a phone call and was told that my grandma had passed away. I always felt very close to her even though our spiritual beliefs differed. We were two peas in a pod in so many ways. She had an open heart and mind, and I like to think I got mine from her.
Sowing Crafty Seeds 