Jane of All Coats

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I just gave away my vintage faux leopard coat to an old friend. I hadn’t even looked at it or thought about it in months, but when I got it out and inspected it and hung it up to air out, I admired it and thought, “what the hell am I doing? I’ll never find another leopard coat this good”. But, I had already promised it away and I didn’t wear it anymore and it’s the kind of special coat that deserves to be loved and worn and shown off and ogled over and talked about. Its a really good coat. 

I bought it from an old lady at an antique swap meet while I was in college. I believe she was the original owner. She informed me that I needed brown gloves to go with it (which I also bought from her) and she told me about how “in her day” ladies didn’t go out of the house without gloves and sometimes they would cut the tips off of their gloves so they could still use their fingers while wearing them. 

Once, while wearing it, someone taunted me about wearing fur, but I couldn’t respond to the person because of the situation. I was irritated because not only was I absolutely against wearing fur but I was a vegan animal rights activist at the time. I was inspired to make a patch that said “genuine fake” and sew it on the arm. That’s the history of the leopard coat. 

I have noticed that as I think about this and some other coats I’ve worn, they all have memorable stories to go with them. There was the blue velvet coat. It was royal blue velvet that was quilted and hung down to my ankles. It buttoned up the front and had two flap-over pockets and a simple short collar. It flared out a bit in the back and was lined with pink satin. I was probably just out of high school when my good friend Samantha told me about this amazing coat she saw at a vintage store. She described it and I fell in love with the idea of it before I even saw it. The thing is, although she wanted it too, it wasn’t really her style. But it totally fit my goth/punk/weirdo look at the time. I ended up going to the store and buying it first. She was upset for about 5 minutes, but let it go. 

I don’t know why I did that. Why I went out and bought this unique item that my best friend wanted. Was I a horrible selfish person? Was I just reacting to some innate shopping addict gene I got from my mom? Or was it destined to be mine – all I had to do was buy it first? 

Over the years, the pink lining ripped in a few places and the pockets had to be reinforced with safety pins (because I’ve never been much of a seamstress) and finally, last year, I gave that one away to someone I know too. 

I also remember this black velvet coat that my friend John wore just after high school. It was almost like a casual dress jacket and always smelled of vanilla. I used to steal that coat whenever I could, and I think it became quite an object of manipulation at one point. It inspired me to wear vanilla scented perfumes, which I still do to this day. 

This brings me to my current coat. It’s a black fuzzy button up coat that goes above my knees, with a long wide collar, two pockets and a strap across the back. It’s kind of like a pea coat meets a stuffed animal. I got this one at a Naked Lady Party, which I need to explain because it’s a lot less exciting than it probably sounds. It’s basically a girly get together (food, wine, and chocolate, and clothes) where everyone brings a bag of old clothes they are getting rid of. The clothes are dumped in a central pile, and the girls draw numbers and choose clothes they want. Many try on the clothes there and then to see if they want to keep them, hence “naked lady party”. I saw the girl who was getting rid of the coat. She was about six inches taller and 50 pounds lighter than me, but I tried it on anyway. Somehow, it fit really well – kind of like those traveling pants that got to star in a movie. So, it needed some love (the seams were coming apart and the pockets were full of holes) and for once I found it almost effortless to fix something with a needle and thread. I made new pockets out of an old burgundy velvet shirt and it came back together like new. This is the coat I still wear and love and feel comfortable and warm in. 

Anyone have a coat story to share?

(This was originally published 02/05/08 on http://annie1kenobe.blogspot.com/)

Jane’s Parents

Let me tell you a story about Jane.

One day Jane visited her parents to help out around the house. By the time she arrived, her parents were already worked up into their usual apathetically insane frenzy of miscommunication. Her mom had the whole day planned out – in her head, of course – without bothering to share this plan with anyone else. So by the time Jane figured out which direction the days events were headed, her mom was ready to sit down and take a break.

At that point, Jane’s dad was consulted on the matter of acquiring keys for the recreational vehicle. He reached into the basket where such items are kept and the whole thing overturned onto the floor. In a frenzy, he started flinging objects back into the basket and without missing a stride, flung a set of keys to Jane who was standing ten feet away. Jane caught them easily but as she turned to pass them on to her mother, she noticed a small knife on the key chain that could have caused her serious bodily harm if she had caught the key chain any another way. Slightly alarmed, she mentioned it to her mother who made an absentminded comment about how her husband is an asshole and then turned and headed out the door to use the keys.

Jane was stunned by the lack of concern and walked back to tell her dad, “You know, you just threw a knife at me. There was a knife on that key chain”. To which he responded, “there’s no knife on that key chain. (pause) Then, those weren’t the right keys”. Jane was so dumbfounded by the lack of concern that she didn’t know what to do. Her parent didn’t think it was a big deal, so maybe it wasn’t. She really couldn’t think straight about it.

A few hours lately, Jane’s dad was fixing the electronic garage door while she was carrying things in and out of the house into the garage. On one of her trips, she stopped to move a bucket near the doorway and her dad said to her, “watch out for the door”. She immediately jumped back and watched the door slide down in front of her face. To clarify: her dad’s warning sounded more like “you might want to move your car sometime today”, than “move your head right now!” as it should have.

Again, Jane was mystified by this lack of concern for her physical well-being. And even as she continued to remark on how he had tried to kill her twice in one day, got little response from either of her parents.

It wasn’t until later, when she recalled the incidents to others that the seriousness of the situation became a reality.

Now Jane wonders if her parents are criminally insane or perhaps replacements from a botched alien abduction? Will we ever know for sure?

(This was originally published 12/02/07 on http://annie1kenobe.blogspot.com/)